What happens when the evil Shredder attacks? This is the question that has played on the minds of many of the greatest men in history. Some say that the Shredder will destroy us all, but I believe something a little different. I’ve heard the whistling in the trees and the gurgling of the streams, and on all of them is a secret that only those who can talk to nature can hear. That secret? Those Turtle boys won’t give him no slack. That is the kind of thing that haunts a man at night. Well, that and having to play this game, which isn’t very good at all. Actually, playing the game was more like having a few haunted afternoons.

There are a few good things about the game, sort of, like it doesn’t kill you or destroy your console. As far as real, old fashioned beating people senseless as a large freak of nature kind of thing goes, it doesn’t really fulfill. I mean, you know, you’re a turtle and all, but there’s not very much action. I mean, the evil Shredder has certainly sent his minions out after you, but they don’t seem to have the heart to really do anything. I mean, why didn’t they just give all the Foot guys some rape whistles or at least warn them about the pit falls of serious stranger danger that can happen? Not that they’d know what to do, because most of them can’t really be bothered to try to be menacing. They actually can’t be bothered to get up off of the couch and really come and attack you. It’s an army completely lacking a can-do attitude.

Seriously though, the AI is a bit suspect. It really doesn’t care that you’re there to harm it at all. It really doesn’t want to be associated with violence apparently, but that’s ok, because the environment does a plenty good job of beating you up and being terrible. If you hate jumping puzzles, then avoid this game like the plague. There are simply too many jumps required. Now, one jump sequence is enough for me so I’m a man with a low “jump on things” threshold. Maybe you guys are a little friendlier with it, but even if you are then you still have to settle into the cold hard fact that the game is seriously boring.

Oh yeah, then there are the characters. They’re the same old Turtles for sure, but they have lame special abilities and they probably smell like cabbage. I mean, who doesn’t want to use nunchuks, or FUNchucks as I like to call them, to helicopter around over a pile of little robots that want to bite your buttocks ever so much. If there was a special move that made the Turtles go buy you a better game and then fix you a delightful dinner that has only half the fat, THAT would be a good special move. Well, at least you can switch back and forth between the characters at the touch of a button so that you can suck four times as fast. Battle Nexus also offers four-player mode this time so that you and three of your friends can sit around and share the pain.

I mentioned good things earlier, somewhere, and there really is one good thing about this game: it includes the original TMNT arcade game that was really, really fun. The downside is that you have to unlock it which means playing the really bad parts of the game, a.k.a. all of it, until you reach the unlock point. You can also unlock other stuff but it’s all basically uninteresting and sad.

Really, when all is said and done, if there was a way to just play the arcade version of TMNT without having to play through most of Battle Nexus first, then at least it would be worth it in a bargain bin. Unfortunately though, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Battle Nexus is not such a treat to wade through for a few hours of four-player, classic arcade action. I couldn’t recommend this game with a straight face without feeling that I may go to hell for it. Avoid this one.